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Descriptive Paragraph

haracter descriptions are a key part of fiction writing. As with all description, a character description is most effective when a writer uses words sparingly. At Beaumont Hardy, I work with writers to fine-tune their character descriptions, keeping only those elements that contribute effectively to description.  The following is an unedited descriptive paragraph of a woman. Below the unedited version is my edit of the same text. My editorial comments are at the bottom of this post.

            She was a small, skinny woman with long, dull looking hair and thick, smudged glasses. Her clothes looked dark and shabby and made her look somewhat like a witch but without the broom or the black cat. She looked like someone who would be really mean or really unhappy, and she wasn’t wearing any jewelry at all. Her hands were bare, and Gordon wasn’t at all surprised to notice that she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. Who would want to marry someone like her? She looked like she wished someone would talk to her, but she was looking down at the floor, which made it difficult for Gordon to make eye contact. Her skirt was black and almost long enough to touch the floor, and she kept tucking her hair nervously behind her ears. Gordon rested his hands gently on the counter and cleared his throat for a moment. “Excuse me, Ms. Prince” he said quietly looking at her name tag. “I wanted to look at one of your files.” She looked up at him, and Gordon was very startled to see that her eyes were a clear, sparkling, bright blue.

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fter editing, the paragraph reads something like this:     
                                      
    ตัวอย่าง       
           She was a skinny woman with long, dull-looking hair and smudged glasses. Her clothes were dark and shabby and made her look like a witch, but without the broom or the black cat. She seemed mean or unhappy, and she wasn’t wearing any jewelry. Her hands were bare, and gordon wasn’t surprised to notice that she wore no wedding ring. Who would want to marry someone like her? She looked like she wished someone would talk to her, but she stared at the floor, making it difficult for gordon to establish eye contact. Her black skirt was almost long enough to touch the floor, and she kept tucking her hair nervously behind her ears. Gordon rested his hands on the counter and cleared his throat. “excuse me, ms. Prince,” he said, looking at her name tag. “I wanted to look at one of your files.” She gazed up at him, and gordon was startled to see that her eyes were a clear, bright blue.